The End is the Beginning

Me and Mom- October 2012

I often see inspirational posts floating around social media that feel as though they have been taken right from my mind. I know that a lot of my thoughts surrounding death and grieving are not "original" and that someone has probably said it more eloquently. Having said that, my reason for writing this blog is twofold: 1) To help me get some of my thoughts out of my head, and 2) Help someone else on a similar journey, even if it's just myself. This is not a light topic but I hope that I do not come across as a Debbie Downer either. If there is a topic you'd like me to discuss, feel free to share. 

The death of a loved one is simultaneously an ending and a beginning. Once you come out of the haze/numbness that you're in for the first few weeks, you begin your journey in grief and learning to live a life without someone you loved so dearly. After my mom passed away in January 2013, I had to go see HR at my work to change the beneficiary on my policies. The HR person had lost her husband only a short time prior and told me something I'll never forget. She said that you don't get over the loss, you learn to adjust to your new reality. How true this is, and how difficult it is. It is a reality that I still find myself struggling with at various times, even 3 years later. It makes me choke up every time I think that everyone I meet/have met since Mom passed will never know her, including my future husband and (God willing) children. It makes my heart ache more than I can ever express. My mom would have been a superb grandmother, just as she was the best mother I could have asked for. I know that she will always be around in spirit and that she continues to give us signs that she's around and most days that is a comfort. Other days, it's not even close to being enough. 

How long does it take? I don't know. Everyone is different. I feel like I have coped well. The biggest "lie" that people say is that time heals. The truth is, the pain lessens over time so that it's not so overwhelming it takes your breath away. But, it never completely goes away. How could it? My mom is/was one of the most important people in my life and she is no longer a part of the physical world (btw, I still also struggle with the present tense/past tense when talking about her). The longer she is gone, the more she misses. 

Grief is an ongoing process. You will have moments or hours or days where the grief smacks you upside the head to knock you off kilter whether it's 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades later. That's okay. It's normal. What is not normal is to be consumed by grief and sadness all the time. You must learn to find happiness and joy and beauty in the world because it is all around. I definitely don't want to sound preachy here but I will say this, if you find yourself struggling with a depression you can't get out of, please seek professional help. You are not weak. There is nothing "wrong" with you. Some people simply become overwhelmed with grief and need help developing better coping skills. That is what counsellors are there for. Did I go to counselling? No, but I have been before at other times in my life and would not hesitate if I found that I was not coping well.

I know this is a bit all over the place but I hope that you will bear with me as I continue on this journey. Until next time...